coming from a place of no
Coming from a place of “no” means defaulting to “no” as an answer. “No” is easy. “No” means no changes, taking it easy, life as usual.
Ex 1: The Hermit
When your friends ask you to go to a new place with them and you immediately think of your long to-do list, or that you would have to stay out a little later than you’d like, or that it might be noisy. You are already thinking about how to say NO.
Ex 2: The Future Fashionista
You look at the nicer clothes in your closet and bypass them for something “comfy” because “you’ll start dressing nicer when you lose 5 pounds”. You go to Target in your sweat pants and feel like a bum. You end up buying too much because you don’t feel great about anything. You get home, put your new junk in the closet with your nice clothes and close the door. NO.
Ex 3: Only in your dreams
You see some pictures of a far-away land that look so beautiful you gasp. You’d love to go there. What a dream! But it’s so far, and probably costs a lot. You think, “if I ever win the lottery…” then you scroll past. The truth is, you don’t even play the lottery. You’ve already decided not to go to this place that would fill your soul with wonder and delight. NO.
Ex 4: Business Schmisness
You’ve always wanted to start your own business. But it seems hard. And you don’t know how to start. You don’t have any extra money or time. Forget it. It’s for other people. NO.
When "NO" is your go-to answer
You could be using “no” as a way out of:
- making a conscious choice (it’s work!)
- making a change (what if it’s bad?)
- trying hard at something (this won’t be fun!)
- being uncomfortable (who likes that?)
but what you might also be opting out of is:
- having fun
- accomplishing goals
- life-changing travel
- new experiences
- leveling up your life
The difference between setting boundaries and building walls
Setting boundaries: Saying no to things that will steal your time, your soul, your energy, your money, etc… that’s setting boundaries. When Becky comes to you asking if you want to be PTA president this year, and you know that is not for you, it’s ok to come from a place of NOOOOOOO.
Building walls: Defaulting to “no” without thinking it through, that’s building walls; walls against change, against new experiences, attaining goals, and pretty much doing anything new.
Making Conscious Choices - Coming from a Place of “Yes”
Have you ever heard the quote, “Life is the C between B and D.” It was said by French philosopher Jean-Paul Sartre and yes, I had to Google that because I don’t sit around storing philosophy quotes in my brain, but I do find it to be entirely true. It means:
Life is the “Choice” between “Birth” and “Death”.
Too often, people simply let life happen to them. Instead of making deliberate choices, they just wait and see how everything shakes out. By not making the choices, they are making a choice to do nothing. When you do nothing, nothing happens. You eventually become nothing. Choices are necessary to craft your life.
Oh, no one told you that you have to craft your life?
Don’t worry, no one told me that either. I only discovered it through many years of not choosing anything. I’d take whatever job would hire me. I’d live wherever someone found a house and invited me to come along. Everyone else seemed to be getting somewhere in their lives. Everyone was moving ahead. I was watching them all pass me by and I couldn’t figure out why nothing was happening for me… and that was exactly the problem. Things don’t happen for you, you make them happen through conscious choices.
Coming from a place of "yes"
Saying “yes” is a choice. It demands action. It means something is going to change.
Let’s revisit our examples and come from a place of “yes” this time:
Ex 1: The Friend Connector
Your friends ask you to go to a new place with them and you think “I’ve never gone there before. I wonder what new food I could try. I think it would be healthy for me to laugh with friends tonight instead of watching my tv show. I didn’t really want to dress up and get ready but it wouldn’t be too hard to do.”
You go with them and return home tired, but happy, and loved. You are reminded that you have such great friends. Yes.
Ex 2: The Feel-Good Fashionista
You look at the nicer clothes in your closet and think, “why not?” even though you’re only going to Target. You’ve been meaning to lose 5 pounds, but wouldn’t you look and feel better if you wore that outfit that fits pretty good right now? As you stroll the aisles, you are looking cute and feeling good. A woman stops you to compliment your style. A worker tells you she really likes your blouse. You realize you don’t need any extra clothes right now because you have many more like the ones you’re already wearing. You buy your laundry detergent that you came for and return home feeling productive, efficient, stylish, and smart. Yes.
Ex 3: The Adventurous Planner
You see some pictures of a far-away land that look so beautiful you gasp. You’d love to go there. What a dream! You’ve never really traveled before but you Google how much flights are, and where to stay for cheap. Over the next week you’ve read a few articles on how to travel on a budget. You decide you could save that amount of money within a year if you put away a bit of your paycheck every month. You save up.
Next summer you’re in Bora Bora and you will never be the same. You have built memories that will last your entire life. Yes.
Ex 4: The Slow-growing Success
You’ve always wanted to start your own business. But it seems hard. Of course it is, but after some research you see that you can start small by selling a product you make out of your home to your friends, then eventually your neighbors. Pretty soon others are asking and you’ve made enough money to rent an office and scale up. After a while you can quit your other job and sell your product in stores across the city. You work hard but it’s still better than going to that office job that you didn’t like. You’re an inspiration to your kids and your family. It wasn’t easy. In fact, it was probably the most difficult thing you’ve ever done, but you’re so glad you’re here and your kids also see that it’s possible for them. Yes.
Choice
You’ve got plenty of time between birth and death, and maybe you’ve wasted some of it by letting life choose for you, but you have plenty of life left for choosing. This life is yours. Choose your way through it. Try choosing “yes”.
